i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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