I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
