I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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