It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
