Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
