so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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