im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
