you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize