I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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