I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
