I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
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I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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