I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
