I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
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Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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