The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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