its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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