I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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