My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
