ya dads aren't the best wingmen
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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