i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Randomize
