hotel room ftw
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he thought i was a dude.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
