i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
