this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
