I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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