I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
