Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
