you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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