I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
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Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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