You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Less talking, more tequila
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
