i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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