Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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