i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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