I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
