Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
