is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
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I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
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I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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