when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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