what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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