I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
