Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
