That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
