I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
