Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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