I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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