fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
