I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
