You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
