I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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