We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
