Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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