So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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