I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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