he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
