11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
