$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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