i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
