Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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