Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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