I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
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At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
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Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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