***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
