Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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