Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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